Chang Beer - Finally.

Chang Beer - Not good-

Before I start this review, I got an email from someone saying I need to correct my grammar and spelling before I post if I want to be taken seriously.

 Fuck off.

 This is a beer site. I write these posts as im drinking, and if I did it sober, Id be just like the guy who emailed that. Im not going to drink this beer and tell you about it next week. Im going to drink it and tell you about it right as I type, because that makes it feel more authentic. Who writes a beer blog sober? Hipsters. Thats who.

I went to Thailand with this beer, and I gotta say, Im happy I finally found a shit brew. When I first started this site, I wanted to search the globe for some of the worlds weirdest and most shit beer. Though I have definitely found weird beer, its also been pretty good so far.  I really want to find beer that would make me want to quit drinking every time I tip my bottle up. This is as close as Ive gotten so far. Cant believe a beer from Thailand made it happen. Sense my sarcasm?

 If you know of a beer that's not from the U.S. that's god awful, please use the "contact us" part of the site to tell me about it. Ill try to feature what I can get a hold of.

This beer is brewed in Ayutthaya, Thailand. Got that? Yeah, me neither.

The city has a population of 300,000 people which all ride elephants to work. The roadways are extra wide. It was burned down in 1767 by the Burmese army. 

I cant imagine why. 

Its often called the Venice of the east, which is convenient since I wish the waters would rise.

You can almost always tell a beer is going to be shitty by simply seeing a gold wrap around the neck, and as the saying goes, you cant polish a turd. Upon first drink, its not great, but its not bad. The aftertaste however is something id liken to drinking goat piss. Its god awful.

Fun fact:  Carlsberg and Chang established a joint venture in 2000, Carlsberg Asia, to try to create a significant brewing company in Asia. In 2005, Carlsberg pulled out from the venture and terminated the license agreement with Chang. I wonder why? Could be the lack of quality. Anyways, Carlsburg had to pay 120 milllion bucks which I find to be absurd. Thaibev, which makes Chang, didn't put any of that money into making the beer better. I promise.

Shitty beer makes writing these more fun. 

The Verdict:

4 out of 10

Stay away. The elephant on the box filled with beer should be enough. Your friends and family will tell you to never judge a book by its cover but in this case, go right ahead. 

Tusker Lager - The pride of Africa

Tusker Lager- Kenya

Unreal

Tusker Ale is awesome. Its got an awesome story as well, and Ill tell you. Its made in Kenya, and has the market at 30 percent. Its 4.2 as well which by Coors Light standard, is great. First marketed in 1923, It was started after the founder of Kenya Breweries, George Hurst, was killed by an elephant during a hunting accident. Seriously? Hilarious. So they named it Tusker. 

If i get gored by any animal, name a beer after me. Call it mouse, cuz mice gore the fuck out of people. Seen your attic? yeah, check it. 

Nothing says import like a white ass generic box with a print out.

Out of the beer ive tried so far, Its the best.

Imagine being in Africa after a hards day poaching and going to a.......bar? Whatever they call a bar there.....

"Give me a fucken Tusker"

Your dreams realized. Your welcome.

A shotgun strapped to your back. A satchel with the finest ivory. The glory of offloading it without being prosecuted. 

The Verdict

10 out of 10

This shits the real deal. I don't give the slightest fuck if you have to go to Africa to get it, its in your best interest to try the shit out of this, its seriously that good. 

Famosa - Get famous, by yourself

Famosa - Guatemala

When I think of Central America, I think of drug lords and disease. I saw some beer from there and was all excited to buy it. Its actually pretty good. Id totally buy it again, though I think whoever is in charge of marketing needs to be fired. 

Yo dude, we are drinking cock tonight.

"Bring your party to life."

For sure brother. Roosters make me think of eggs, which is weird because they don't lay them. Guatemala has a rich history with the Mayans. Why cant they have used that? Imagine drinking a beer with a picture of a few guys playing Mayan death ball on the box. Are you fucking shitting me? Ill take 10 cases. 

They call it "Gallo" outside of the good old USA. It started being crafted in 1896 and is the most famous beer in the region, hence its name with a foreign misspelling twist. Close enough of a spelling for us Americans to get the drift, but they took the U out and added an A to the end to make it mysterious.

As for the "Bring your party to life" on the top, well, If you show up to any party I throw with a 6 pack thinking your going to be a game changer, I will personally punch a hole in your face.

The Verdict:

Its really pretty good. If it came in a larger case and I had a different box to put it in, I totally would. Thats the glory of weird beer though. Keep brewin' world.

7 out of 10

   

Beerlao! Scream it in battle

Beerlao - Laos -

I wanted shitty beer in the worst way. I went into my beer spot looking for it. I didnt want good taste, I didnt want a surprise. I went in there looking for something that looked like it was going to taste like the bottom of a shoe. What I got was not what I wanted, but a surprise non the less. It was awesome. 

Looking at the box and seeing it was made in Laos, I was sure I had some certified mule piss. Where the fuck is Laos anyways? I had to look. 

Laos is snuggled right next to Thailand, Vietnam, and Cambodia. I cant believe I didn't die. 

Fun fact: They love communism.

They would be so mad to know I like their beer and also like capitalism.

It should all add up to one shitty beer, but nay. Its kick ass.

These guys take their beer seriously. The hops and yeast are imported from Germany and based on locally grown jasmine rice. The shits legit and its won a few awards internationally. They also have the stranglehold on beer in Laos, 99 percent of it. The Cambodian shit must not be selling well, and the Vietnamese beer has a strong taste of napalm. That being said, I want to try a beer from both of these countries. 

Beerlao has a U.S. micro brew taste, and I quickly thought of Dogfish Head when I had my first bottle. Smooth going down, and It didnt come back up so thats always a plus.

The Verdict

I highly suggest Beerlao. Im not sure where your going to find it, but find it. You'll make your friends wonder and make fun of you for drinking it until that have a swig and realize that it tastes better than their Natty Ice.

8 out of 10 

Saddle up on the Red Horse. Kinda.

Red Horse Beer - Philippines -

 

I walked into my local brick and mortar booze shop looking for something to make a hard days work fade away. I walked out with 6 of these bastards. 

I admittedly know jack shit about the Philippines. I know its on the other side of the world, and I know, or at least think, people there are generally quite dirty. I could be wrong. 

Im probably wrong. 

I walked out of that store with my head held high, but my expectations low. Should they have been low? With a population of over 97 million people, you would think at least a few of them would know how to make a decent brew right? Its the 12th most populated country in the world, there's got to be a few people there who know what they are doing. I bet they work for Red Horse, I thought to myself when I got home. Hell yeah. 

Fucken Red Horse dude.

I sat down and popped the top off the first beer. It kinda smelled like what I imagine the crypts under Paris smell like. The beer came a long way to get to me. I dismissed the stink and took the plunge. God damnit. 

It tasted like if you where to fill a cup up half way with wine, and the other half with beer. It was beer wine. It was gross. I dont throw or dump beer out. Thats bullshit. I kept drinking it. I drank that beer and pretended that I was a underpaid Filipino textile worker that hasn't slept in days. 

That's just what I feel most of the people there do. Like I said before, I'm wrong.

After the 3rd beer, It didn't taste so bad. I attribute that to the beer actually destroying my taste buds.

THE VERDICT

Its not good beer. It actually kinda sucks. The novelty of having a beer in my hands from the Philippines wore off about as fast as that first sip. Its 7.0 percent alcohol contect, so I guess its got that going for it. Meh.

3 out of 10