Khajuraho - A running theme

 Khajuraho - India 

We are rolling to India on this one. A co-worker of mine asked for something from the South Pacific. Pretty close right? Ooooops.

Probably should have listened because this beer was made in September of 2012. I didnt check again, so I guess im going to rename this site, "lets review expired beer".

This beer is supposed to be light, but it tastes anything but. I think that's because its like a year and a half expired and a bit thick. Oh well, carry on.

India is the second most populated country in the world and has 1.2 billion people living there. Think about that. Its ridiculous. Its preposterous. Theres probably people living on top of people on top of lots of human waste. Im sure there is some awesome cities there where people live lavish lives of money and answering your IT calls. But im also sure there are places that people would rather just die. 

The ancient Greeks referred to the people who live in the area as Indoi (Ινδοί), which translates to, "the people of the Indus", which sounds alot like people of the anus. Even the Greeks knew. Must have been a mis-translation

 

 

Just a couple stone statues making love to each other. No big deal right? I mean, lets be honest. 

Your girl lays there like a statue when you make love to her right? You have more in common with this label than you'd like to admit.  Your a terrible lay.

A first! No info on the brewer! Makes me feel even better about the expiration date. 

Want to see the address? Grab a pen and paper:

 

H-7, MIDC Industrial Area, Waluj, Aurangabad, Maharashtra, 431136, Waluj, Wadgaon Kolhati, Maharashtra 431133, India

 

The fuck is that? Looks more like a long ass website URL than it does an address. 

Thats a fucken novel dude. Here, call them

 

 +91 240 255 5198

 

Whats with the + before the 92, before the number? Is that for international calling?

Either way, its fucking stupid. 

 

Its 4.5 ALC by volume, but i mean, its pretty old, so it tastes like 8.0.

Im sure it was light at some point, but its like drinking syrup at this point. 

 

I cant believe my liver even puts up with me. 

The Verdict:

4 out of 10

I mean, im sure it was decent back in 2012, but its 2014 now, and beer isn't wine.  
If you can find this, un-find it, or check the expiration and let me know how that goes for you. Ill probably be shitting my brains out tomorrow. Its going to be almost 80 up here in WNY too. 
Those stone statues making mad love though.

 

Kronenbourg - Spelling?

Kronenbourg 1664 - France -

I had to hold the bottle up to the screen to make sure I had that right. Fucken Kronenbourg.

Its actually a chore to type. Im going to copy and paste it for the rest of this. 

Ive had a lack of posts which I usually say sorry for. I also have an influx of French people visiting here, so Merry Christmas French people.Or whatever it is you celebrate.

Like your aborigines.

 

I have a floating day off during the week. It can happen on a Tuesday, it can happen on a Thursday. Its unpredictable.  You cant tame a work schedule. What you can tame though is someone who parks in the middle of a driveway.  

I give one of my co-workers a ride home every day.

I give that same person a ride to work everyday as well.

It usually costs me my keurig coffee. I bought it not to use it, but I could if I wanted to wake up 5 minutes earlier. Fuck that. Sleep aint cheap.

So this douche, some random guy, parks in the wrong place. He parks in the middle of a driveway that enters a major downtown square in my city. 

We called the cops and watched them roll up and give the guy a ticket.

I kinda hoped he would get towed, and when he didn't, I felt dirty.

Speaking of which, did you know the 7th is national beer day?

Neither did I. Is it a real thing? Im not sure, but ill celebrate it. I love fake holidays that celebrate beer. I love anything that celebrates beer. Im rambling so bad right now.

Welcome to Kronenbourg. Paste. 

Its actually really good. Not Canadian or American good either. I describe American or Canadian good as beer you can drink a lot of and still be pretty happy about it. Its all about quantity here guys, and if theres something im all about , its quantity.  I figure this beer is a lot like our Bud. Its got a small bite though, and its good, and after a few evenings,  im sure will be gone. By gone I mean, the taste. Like who cares. That kind of taste. You know. Ahhhhhhh fuck it.

 

I try to edit every post to the best of my drunk abilities.  Spell check has served me well.  That last little tid-bit, was not supposed to be like it sounded. Its like Labatts or Bud to the French. ok? Fuck off dude.

I cant figure this out. I just had my head in my hands. hahahahahhahahahahah. god damn it.

Kronenbourg brewery was founded in 1664 by Geronimus Hatt in Strasbourg. The name comes from the area, Cronenbourg, where the brewery relocated in 1850. The company is owned by Carlsberg.  Every time these guys come back, and I mean Carlsberg or any of the big soda (pop) or beer guys, come back, I feel like I should hear the villains theme from James Bond. The main brand from Kronenbourg, is, you guessed it, Kronenbourg 1664, a 5.5% pale lager.

Kronenbourg was first brewed in 1952.  A small amount of the Strisselspalt hop, a French aroma hop from Alsace, is being used. If your in the UK, you can find this beer made by Heineken. Weird huh? Yeah.

Everyone's connected. 

The Verdict

8 out of 10

Its the French version of Bud or the Canadian version of Labatts.
If you can locate it, try it out dude. It would be pretty good in a beer pong game if you can find enough to fill the glasses and stun your friends.

Fuck it. Get the 12 or a 2 of em' and drink them all. Piss in your lawn, then start your snow blower and ghost ride that shit right into your neighbors bedroom window.
Your neighbors an asshole.

Redoing site for an hour

-Construction-

Review incoming tonight on French beer. 

Ill get to writing that as soon as I can figure out and relearn HTML code. I haven't written it probably 10 years. The site I use, which is Blogger, redirects to the main website, its pretty easy for even the biggest morons to figure out. They integrate together. Took me about 20 minutes to set it up and upload the backgrounds and other images for the main site splash, but I realize that you can only go about 5 deep in my past posts. If you want to see anything past that, it wont load. Usually Im drinking when I even think about doing anything for this site. That includes reading E-mails, or checking page views.

So here I am. I am giving myself 2 hours to write an archive page, and hopefully it works, or else youll have to click the post, get to my blogger site, then click more. It should be easier, and Ill figure it out while i drink these Colt 45's. I underestimate myself and probably shouldn't be doing what I do for a living.

I like doing websites. Hopefully I don't suck at it. Time to knock off the rust.

 

Lost post - We are closed.

Closed. Go away

So I get out of a hardly hard days work and roll my co-worker to his place. He works right next to the place I buy my beer at. They are closed. 

RAGE

So much rage dude. I was looking forward to doing French beer and feeding the medium amount of viewers I have In France, but im sorry. I tried a place a mile or so down the road.

"Hey man, I know Its strange, but do you have any beer from France?"

There was much laughing. 

Much.

 

Is that so hard to ask? French beer? Maybe it is. Ive never been anywhere else and ask for that kind of booze. I guess its like asking for a virus. No need to act like a jerk-off about it man. Its a yes or no question.

Worst part is, hes like,

"Have you had Bass?"

 

FUCK YOU.

Im not an elitist. OK. 

Im also not a dickface. 

If there is a difference between Budwiser and Labatts, Theres a BIG difference between Bass and anything French. (freedom fries)

 

I have no idea what French beer tastes like. Cant be that bad. Or good. 

I got you next week. 

 

I got back from Florida this past week. It was warm and awesome.

Awesome is great weather, but awesome is not the skin peeling off my back. 

Whenever i take my shirt off, it looks like its snowing. 

 

I used to sit next to a kid who used to rub his head and make it snow during lunch. 

It was on his food.

One day, he brought a pipe bomb into school and tried to kill us all. 

He failed. 

 

 

As for this weeks post, I got drunk videos for you.

Ever feel like the whole bar is against you? Maybe you have had a few too many and you think the bouncer is being an asshole? 

This guy is on your side. 

Yeah. Ive been there man. Im having fun. Some douch is saying your being an asshole and the bouncer does not ask questions. Hes just right in your face, and your out. 

Well in this this video........hes out. 

 

Fuck bouncers. Bouncers are douchbags. 

"Hey man.....Im going to stand by the door like a big tool bag. If you want to have fun, come through me!"

All bouncers beat their significant others.  Its scientific fact.

Its all fun and games til he goes home and beats his wife. 

Bouncers are cool when your out smoking or something else and some dudes hitting on your wife. If you didnt see that coming, maybe the bouncer should hit you. 

Bouncers are dumb. Thats just a statement. Look at them.  They aren't in school for for a reason.

 

 

This is awesome because this guy is drunk as fuck. Its also not awesome because being drunk behind the wheel is stupid. This is alot like playing Mario Kart while your controller is broke. Its not like Mario Kart because its real life and crashing doesn't result in a respawn. Must have hit a turtle.

25 MPH is a lame speed to crash at.

Being drunk at your favorite teams place is awesome. 

Ive done it too many times to count, and Ive also fallen down rows of people and gotten kicked out. Its hilarious. 

This guy, he dances like a drunk bastard, and then,. when the cops come.......hes cool.

FAKER. Hes not a real fan. Hes also not a beer drinker.

He liked KOOL-AID and his cat has 3 legs and cant run away. 

First off......I saw this next video and closed it out. I didnt think it needed a second look. I actually started searching for another video. Then I went back. My head told me to go back. 

 

This video wins. 

This guy is not drunk. Hes awesome. And im a fool.

Your a fool too. You thought he was going to fall and get kicked by other drunk people. 

That might have been my wish. 

 

And the winner is........

 

 

Wait til the end. 

How happy is the butler with the tray of drinks?

Whos a butler anymore? 

Unless your name is alfred.

 

Ok. Im done, and also mad. 

Im sorry no review again,. but ill get the french beer and hook you up next week

The art of hiding your beer.

Beer hiding help is on the way

I pulled that picture off google. That guys driving. Christ. 

Lets face it, your an alcoholic who cant even go to work without drinking. Your a low-life.

Im here to help you. 

In todays post, Ive gathered a few ideas and tricks to help you deal with your low income job. 

Upon looking into this, Ive realized people are super desperate, and as they say, desperation is the mother of invention.

 They dont say that.

Using a soda can to cover

There is a guy selling these on Ebay. Seriously.

Its pretty straight forward, and buying it on ebay is fucking stupid when you could just make it yourself. Dont be lazy. All you need it a pair of scissors and an empty Coke can. After you cut the can, use the sharp edge of the scissors on your wrist. 

 

Canoflauge

 You can also buy these on Ebay. They are magnetic wraps to put around your beer. It seems like a better idea than the can cover, but wait.......

Cans aren't magnetic. If this guys making money.....you know what? I applaud him. If your dumb enough to buy this, then you deserve to have less money than you did.

The beer belly

This is real, and yes, you can buy it. 

http://www.thebeerbelly.com/

Thats one of the most legit websites Ive ever been to. Its a fantastic idea. How many times have you been caught trying to sneak beers into a football game, only to be thwarted by stadium security?

Beers are soooo damn expensive in there too. Being a Bills fan, spending 10 bucks for a beer seems worth it after watching countless seasons of mediocrity, but NAY!

Im not sure how many it holds, but its gotta be at least a 6 pack.  And when you have a few kids and cant really use it anymore, it could also double as a child carrier. 

For the ladies....

The wine rack

Lets face it. Your girlfriends boobs are small. It happens. She also is ornery and has a shitty attitude.
This invention solves both problems.
Its scientific fact that girls are way cooler when they drink alcohol. When was the last time your girl drank a beer while doing a handstand on a toilet in a public restroom sober?
Never.
I rest my case.

There you have it. Just a few ideas to help you cope with your meaningless life.
I hope Ive made you a better person. 

Quilmes - Another mistake

Quilmes - Argentina

I'm always apologizing for lack of updates. I'm going to stop doing that because its just a given at this point. Its cold up here in Buffalo, NY. Colder than Atlanta, and a lot more snow too. All you down there are pussies. Now that Ive covered that.....

Taking a shit while drinking a beer is liberating. Its the first thing I like to do after work on Saturday. Its the gateway to my weekend. A rusty ass shitty gateway. If your reading this from Western New York, I had Mighty Taco today. You'll understand. The Olympics are in full swing, and I'm only really watching speed skating, skiing, boarding, curling, and hockey. Go team USA. Good luck to the rest of you in other countries, mostly those of you in France who gained me a lot of views over the past 2 weeks.
 Merci.
 Ce qui est une bonne bière de France?
I asked a good beer from France. 
 I cant imagine playing curling without beers. Its kinda like winter horseshoes. I suck at shoes. 

Quilmas comes to us from Argentina. It expired in 2012. Yes, thats right. This beer is expired. Fuck it. 

Its bordered by Bolivia and Paraguay to the north, Brazil to the northeast, Uruguay and the Atlantic Ocean to the east, Chile to the west and the Drake Passage to the south, which again, if you are a Playstation fan, Uncharted territory. Ive had Brazilian beer before, and it wasnt the worst. 

A Spanish colony was formed there in 1776, the same year as us Americans independence. They had a fight for independence that lasted 8 years which ended up with them winning. We should have alot in common right?
The word Argentina comes from Latin and means "silver". Its funny they named it that because the Spanish named it that because they thought there was silver there from a fucken rumor. Jerk offs. How did that go for you? Oh, no silver and a bunch of your dudes died. Greedy fucks.

On to the beer....

 Quilm.......Im not drunk enough to do this. Ill be back in 45 minutes. 

Yeah dude. I set a 45 minute alarm to drink 8 beers. I got 6 and 1/2. Im not what I used to be. I have to edit the site to show past posts because ive been too stupid to know it only shows the last 5. Need to relearn HTML. Good luck after a few beers. fuuuuck, but anyways,

I feel safe continuing. 

The company itself, Cervecería y Maltería Quilmes, (i copied that because i cant spell it), Grew big time in the 1920's, becoming the best beer in Buenos Aires. I know your asking.....why not Keystone?

In a running theme, a big time soda company owns them.
Pepsi. 

The beer itself is 4.9 percent. It tastes weird. OH WAIT. ITS EXPIRED. 

For fucks sake!!@!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Im leaving that @ symbol for effect. 

I go and buy beer ffrom my joint thinking they know what the fuck they are doing, but seriously? If you check my Greek beer review, they did the same god damned thing. This is worse though. Its not just a month or two, Its a fucken year or two. Theres shit floating in the bottle. I didnt notice til there was about an inch left on the 6th one. Before you castrate me, you should know......

I buy these beers in a 6 pack. Ive said before, "if you think your going to show up to any party I throw with a 6 pack thinking your going to change the game, Ill punch you in the face", theres more.

Theres always more. 

Im a HUGE Labatts drinker. Theres always an extra 18 pack in tow, If not a 30. 

So fuck off on that shit. 

To be honest, It was so decent, I didnt question it. Then I remembered the Greek beer review and decided to check.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, SHAME ON YOU. 

Shame on me really. I dont really care. It was still good enough for me not to question it at first.

The Verdict

Of course, im a stupid shit eating fuck tard.
Its really a good beer even after a few months or years of expiration. This country has a lot in common with the States, so drink up if you can find it still drinkable. Who knows, This might have been the last batch.
Im not a professional. Thats why you love me.

7 out of 10

Drunken videos

-Drunken videos-

Lets face it. With today's technology, videos cameras are everywhere and there's already no telling how many videos of you there are out there hitting on your friends grandma. There is no review this week. Im sorry. I am pounding some Labatts though, which has to count for something. Im going to scour Youtube to find some videos of drunken fools and collect a few of them here for you instead. This will be an ongoing thing im going to add to the site instead of just the updates.

I typed in youyube.com. Great start. 

This is fucking excellent. The look on the drunk guys face while he stares into the eyes of the refs are like Sam Jacksons eyes as he looked into that one kids face right before he ate his Big Kahuna burger. That guy who ran up and spine crushed him only did it because 50 minutes before, he was reliving how he missed the tackle that would have sent his Texas high school team to states at the bar with his buddies. Thats a championship tackle.

This is awesome because the drunk guy never throws a punch. Hes got a few dudes rocking him quick but decides the best option is to kick. Thats kinda fucked up because his footing was all shitty the whole time. Ive been in this spot before. Sometimes your so hammered, you wobble around so much your brain thinks its only possible because someone obviously pushed you. I like the power stance right before his attack. If someones standing in front of me like that, im probably going to try to give him some money or something. 

This guy would have been better off riding the rails. The music put to this is spot on! My favorite part is the when he touches down at the end. Things like that are only possible if your drunk. He walks it off like a boss. 

If your into video games, he totally looks like agent 47 from Hitman.

 This is the guy I want to party with, except it would only be once because people like this need beer poured on them. No friends with him either so you know he watched this video and thats how he found out how his face got messed up. Who dresses like that anyways? Must have been at a wedding. Open bar? Im betting so. 

Is it even necessary to do a breathalizer here? This dude just put a hole in your wall with his fucking face. I cant believe this cop kept a straight face. I wouldnt want to play that guy in poker. Bad form though for that being your drunk room. Should be like a pool table in there or a dartboard. Maybe even a jukebox with Stairway to Heaven being the only song you can play. 

Maybe its the beers, but that drunk guy looks alittle like Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Great show.

Alright. Thats about it. Have a good weekend everyone.

DRAGON STOUT - JAMAICA

DRAGON STOUT - JAMAICA

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year guys. Seriously.
I had a great holidays. Lots of friends and family and all that good stuff. Gained too much weight but here I am on a new years night to declare to lose it. All in. I apologize for the lack of updates. With all the family and beer, its been hard. I like to dedicate a section to this site by myself with no one around. I hate to update with family around, mostly because they would read this and hate me and buy me less.
By the way, my birthday is Thursday. Wassup.

Out of all the beer I have researched, this is the least. Theres like no info online about this shit. For a new year post, I should have went Chinese or something, but Ive done that. I could do Australia. Nope. Britain. Nope. 

Im not driving anymore. The dude I used to buy off of died In a car accident near where I live last week. He was a beer man, and knew his shit. Im still pretty sad about all of it. He helped me pick "weird beer" out, and hes obviously not here anymore so now its really just me. Hit a semi head on, on the 23rd, 2 days before Christmas. Fucked up. 

Here's what I learned from this place, and I'm going to copy and paste because its so little.......

D&G produces one of Jamaica's best-known exports, Red Stripe beer, and also exports Old Jamaica Ginger Beer. It brews other malt beverages for the local market under the brand names Red Stripe Light, Dragon Stout, Malta (nonalcoholic), Smirnoff Ice, Guinness, and Heineken.

Dragon Stout

Dragon was introduced in 1920.^[2] Its brewing process utilities a Grade A two-row European malt, caramel, roasted malt and dark brown sugar.
 END COPY AND PASTE

Its from Jamaica, and I would put all kinds of puns and jokes in, but what am I going to say?

They smoke weed? They got a bobsled team? Fuck it. Its a beer that's got a hard bite, and its good if you like dirty beer. Dirty beer doesn't have a description unless you've had it. Its your lager beer that's local and fermented. Like in your basement for 3 years.

THE VERDICT

Its hard but only because no ones buying it. pretty sure its like that all the time.
I hope you have a great 2014 and buy because I say so, not because your dad does.

  6 OUT OF 10